Entertaining Angels Unawares
by Exintaris
Summary: C&M, R&R are in a mess. They need help, which comes from an unexpected source ... Follows from The One Where Rachel Is Brave. WARNING: a little femslash in Ch. 2, but mainly about the two couples.
1. Chapter 1

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Entertaining Angels Unawares

Disclaimer: The Friends characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment. However, Griselda and Hilda are my creations, and all material to do with the world of Griselda and Hilda is in the copyright of Issaries Inc.

This was written well back in 2001, as one way things could go after A Brief Affair; so it takes place way back, at the time of Series 4. On the gang's magical visit to the fantasy world in which Pavis is a city, see The One Where Rachel is Brave (and on Rachel's second visit, see Behind the Mask, posted on www.jjaks.net/othr). I re-post it here to demonstrate that I have never written f/f stuff exclusively, and, as I hope should be clear from what I do write, the sex interests me far less than the relationships. I would be interested in people's views on this, because, to be honest, I thought it was some of my best work, but I didn't get many reviews.

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Chapter 1

Rachel lay on her bed and tried to cry quietly. She did not want to attract Monica's attention. Chandler and Monica had fought again – they were worse than she and Ross had been – and this time without making up. She was afraid that the circumstances in which she and Monica had become lovers were repeating themselves, only worse, and Monica just might try to start all over again with her. The way she saw it now, Monica badly needed to be in love with _someone_, and while she naturally preferred it to be a man, she would settle for a woman to whom she was already close. Rachel, on the other hand, felt that she had really had enough of women and very much wanted a man, in fact one particular man – but what chance was there of that with Ross in his present mood? The final break-up with Emily seemed to have soured him on any but the most casual relationships with women, and to have coloured his whole attitude to them as well. She desperately wanted the old Ross back, if only as a friend. And she wasn't the only one: they were all being affected by Ross's behaviour, and it was slowly breaking down their previously happy relations. Phoebe was withdrawing from them, Joey was clearly unhappy with the situation but unable to think of anything to do about it, and she was no better. It was enough to make anyone cry.

Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. Had she been audible, after all? 'Monica?' she quavered.

'Not Monica,' said a familiar voice. 'Guess who!'

Rachel rolled over and gasped. 'Oh my God, Griselda! You've come here!' She sat up and embraced her warmly, and then caught sight of another person hovering behind. 'And Hilda too?'

'Yes,' said Hilda, sounding a bit embarrassed. 'We were together when it happened, just walking out after a meal.'

Rachel jumped off the bed and hugged her too. 'This is so _great_!' she cried, clapping her hands together, all her woes temporarily forgotten. 'Just when we all needed cheering up. And you've come at the weekend too: we don't have to work and can show you around. I wonder how long you'll be here – surely until tomorrow, at least.' She saw that both were dressed in standard Pavic style, with their swords and all. 'We'll have to dress you up New York-style,' she said. 'That will be fun.'

Both of them were looking about the room curiously. 'I never thought you lived in such style, Raychul,' said Griselda. 'You never gave me the idea you were rich.'

Rachel remembered Griselda's bare room and few possessions. 'It's just ¼ different here,' she said. 'It's hard to explain. We all have so many more things than you do, but ¼ '

'Rachel, who's that in there?' came Monica's voice from outside, sounding rather sharp.

'Come in and see!' cried Rachel gleefully.

Wrapped in her robe, Monica entered. Her frown changed to a look of amazement. 'You guys!' she cried, and threw her arms round Hilda enthusiastically, then went on to give Griselda a more restrained hug.

'We must get them some proper clothes,' said Rachel, 'in case they stay longer than we did in Pavis. I don't know why, but I have this strange feeling that they might.'

'I have that feeling too, I can't say how,' said Hilda, and Griselda nodded.

'One thing,' said Monica. 'You can't wear those swords out on the street, though maybe you could tuck something small away somewhere, if you feel you have to.'

'I can do that,' said Griselda proudly. 'It was how I killed an assassin who was after me when I was first in Pavis. He only came close because he thought I had no weapon.'

'Erm … yes,' said Rachel uncertainly. 'You'll have to tell us that story some time. But right now – clothes!' For the next hour or so there was a happy session of trying on clothes, during which the problems of fitting Griselda's small size were more or less successfully overcome and both Griselda and Hilda seemed to loosen up considerably. Then Monica gave a tremendous yawn.

'Oh, we're keeping you up!' cried Hilda. 'Just show us somewhere to sleep and we'll get out of your way.' In fact, they both seemed tired also, and rather overwhelmed by all these new experiences. Blankets and pillows were produced, the bathroom briefly explained, and then all settled down, the visitors being quite happy to sleep on the floor.

Griselda and Hilda were the first to wake, perhaps subconsciously stimulated by a wish to explore this new world as soon as they could. Monica, always up before Rachel, found them standing well back from the windows and exclaiming in a rather scared way over the view. They had dressed in their new clothes, both choosing shirts and pants.

They greeted her enthusiastically. 'We _are_ still here!' cried Hilda, actually skipping up and down for a moment. 'Maybe we'll get to stay a _long_ time. Would you mind?'

'Not at all, if you don't mind sleeping on the floor,' said Monica. 'I would welcome the company, and so would Rachel, I believe.'

'You live a long way above the ground,' said Griselda. 'I don't mind saying, it makes me nervous.'

'Oh, we're used to it,' said Monica breezily. 

'How's Chandlabing?' asked Hilda. Monica's face clouded. 'Chandler and I are ¼ not together now,' she said. 'We fought rather badly.'

'You fought?' said Griselda, her brows coming down.

'Oh, not what that might mean to you,' said Monica hastily. 'Simply, he got very angry one day, I don't quite understand why, and he said … well, never mind. He may not come over.' Seeing their blank looks, she explained that Chandler and Joey lived just across the hall.

'And Feebee and Ross?'

'They live elsewhere,' said Monica, 'but you can see Ross's apartment from here.'

'Show us,' demanded Griselda, and Monica went to the window to show them. As it happened, Ross was looking out, with a rather sombre expression. She waved excitedly, and pointed at Griselda and Hilda. At first he looked puzzled, then he vanished from the window abruptly.

'He did not seem in a very good mood,' said Hilda diplomatically.

'He never is, these days,' said Monica rather sadly. 'We don't really understand why, though it must be partly because he has broken up with Emily. He really wanted that marriage to work.'

Just then, Rachel came in, yawning. 'Great, you guys are still here,' she said, and gave them both another hug. 'Let's give them a good American breakfast, Mon. Then maybe we can show them Central Perk and stuff.'

'Anything for guests!' cried Monica, beginning to pull out cooking items and packets. 'But wait – I don't know what you like to eat.'

Rachel had gone to shower and the others were well into an animated discussion of food, when Ross came crashing into the room. 'What the _hell_ is going on, Monica?' he shouted. 'Who are these women, and what do they mean to you?'

'Hilda and Griselda,' said Monica, taken aback by his violence. 'Don't you recognise them?'

Ross looked completely flummoxed. 'Oh,' was all he said.

'Why, what did you think?' said Griselda, looking at him closely. He seemed to flush slightly and muttered something about having got the wrong idea. 'Let it go. Welcome to New York,' he added, a bit ungraciously.

'Thank you,' said Griselda. 'I hope we stay long enough to enjoy it and get to know you all better.'

Rachel emerged from the bathroom. 'Why were you shouting, Ross?' she asked innocently.

'I said, let it _go_!' snapped Ross, as he took a seat on the couch facing away from them all. Rachel's lips quivered, and she hurried into the bedroom.

The next to arrive was Joey, who came in when Griselda and Hilda were happily sampling a range of cereals and Monica was cooking pancakes. 'Hey hey hey!' he said jovially. 'Who are the visitors?'

'It's us, Joey,' said Griselda demurely. 'Do we look different without our swords?'

Joey did a double-take, and his eyes bulged. 'Holy cow!' he said. 'More weird stuff! I'll go and tell Chandler,' and before anyone could comment he was out of the door again. He had still not returned when Phoebe came in. She recognised Griselda and Hilda at once and gave them both a hearty hug.

'You look so cute in modern clothes!' she exclaimed gleefully. 'But I hope you've not left off all of your stuff. New York is not always safe.'

Hilda produced a dagger from her waistband, while Griselda gave her right hand a kind of flick, and a thin knife appeared in it. 'We know something about cities,' she said. 'I'm good at throwing this too. Look!' and she put it into a window frame, almost dead centre. Phoebe applauded, delighted. 'Great!' she cried. 'I wonder if your magic stuff works here?'

'Let's hope we don't have to find out,' said Hilda seriously.

'Griselda, take that knife out and put it away,' said Monica sternly. 'This is not the place for target practice.' Looking a little shamefaced, Griselda went to the window, pulled the knife out cleanly, and made it vanish up her sleeve again. Then she flashed a grin at Monica. 'Sorry, mother,' she said, so like a little girl that she made all the others laugh, even Ross.

Monica waved her cooking slice at her threateningly. 'Sit down and be good, or it's no pancakes for you!'

'Yes, mother,' said Griselda meekly, causing more laughter. Ross came over to join her and Hilda, smiling. 'Sorry I didn't give you a better welcome,' he said. 'I have a lot of things on my mind just now.'

'Well, I gave you all a much worse welcome in Pavis,' said Griselda. 'But now you know I'm not always like that.'

'First pancakes up!' cried Monica, bringing a plateful to the table. As if irresistibly attracted by the aroma, Joey and Chandler came in. Chandler said 'Hi' in a reserved fashion, carefully did not look at Monica, and took a seat as far away from her as possible, smiling shyly at Hilda and Griselda.

'Have a nice trip?' he asked, after a moment.

Griselda, who was next to him, nearly choked on her pancake and quickly spat some out. '_Don't_ make me laugh when I'm eating,' she pretend-snarled, 'or else – ' and she produced the knife again. Chandler's eyes widened.

'Now, Griselda,' said Hilda. 'You know what Monica told you.'

'Well, I'm eating these fine pancakes now, so what can she do?' said Griselda merrily as she vanished the knife again. 'Chandla, jokes are fine, but not _all_ the time. Silences don't_ have_ to be broken, you know.'

The glint in her eyes reassured him that she was funning. 'But if I don't make jokes all the time, I may forget how,' he said.

'Oh, you!' said Griselda, flashing him a brilliant smile and playfully punching him on the shoulder. 'Why your friends haven't slaughtered you by now is more than I know. But you're too handsome to kill.' She ran a hand over his arm caressingly, as if to make up for the punch.

'Is Griselda really coming on to Chandler?' muttered Phoebe to Hilda, as Chandler, encouraged by this attention, started a proper conversation with Griselda. Hilda grinned. 'She's up to something, for sure,' she muttered back. 'I recognise that look.'

'Cook's taking time out,' announced Monica. 'Anyone who wants any more pancakes can make their own.' She tapped Hilda on the shoulder. 'Come and talk to me on the couch,' she said. 'This table's too crowded.' Surprised but pleased, Hilda followed her to the couch. Chandler kept glancing at them, Griselda noticed, and so did Ross, his face darkening again. Griselda thought she knew another reason for Ross's bad mood.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Over the next days, Griselda and Hilda acclimatised to life in New York. It became clear that they were having a stay of indefinite length, and they had come to assume this and to make plans confidently for the next day. Being very intelligent and adaptable young women - as it turned out, they were several years younger than their new friends - they quickly accustomed themselves to a totally different way of life from the one they were used to. They did not have the concept of a holiday, but that was what they were having, and they were thoroughly enjoying living the lives of young unattached American adults in a city, without even having to work for their living. To their amazement and delight, they found that the magic which had brought them there had also changed the money that they carried on them to quite a considerable amount of local currency, so that they did not have to depend on their friends for everything. They also found that they could read the local writing, though a lot of the words were unfamiliar. Only a few things continued to bother them: they got used to the height of the buildings, but not to the traffic, so that they preferred to stay inside during the day, often hanging out in Central Perk or the apartment. In the evenings when there was less traffic they would generally walk around, looking in the shops and sometimes buying oddments. They had been rather surprised to discover that one was expected to pay the advertised price and not to bargain for goods, even at the open-air stalls offering food or drink, but adapted to this without complaint.

With their friends' encouragement, they sampled the amazing variety of foods and drinks available in New York extensively and with relish, and agreed that the beer and wine were far better than you got in Loud Lilina's, and that coffee was something that they really ought to have in Pavis. They also quickly came to enjoy many of their friends' recreations. Both loved to watch the TV and videos, which they had quickly learned to operate, but they varied in their tastes. Both liked action films of all kinds, although Griselda developed a habit of pointing out the flaws in any plan formulated by the characters, or in the general plot of the movie, which led the others, including Hilda, to join in howling her down. She accepted this with good grace, but could never refrain for long. However, she was much better behaved when watching Westerns. They also liked the _Xena_ and_ Hercules _shows, although their habit of breaking down in helpless laughter during the fight scenes was slightly offputting to the others. But sword and sorcery films generally left them cold, for, as they commented, they lived in that kind of world and it was just not like that at all. Hilda also adored sitcoms and romantic comedies, while Griselda often found the characters in them or their actions stupid, and would not accept that this was part of the point. They learned to play various games; one memorable night they played poker, at which Griselda proved to be an even more aggressive player than Ross, cleaning up everything that had been staked by the end. They were also introduced to foosball, at which Hilda was only a middling player, but Griselda's amazingly fast reactions quickly made her a champion, much to Monica's chagrin.

The refreshing enthusiasm with which they immersed themselves in so many aspects of their friends' lives had its effect on the group. For a while, the tensions that had been developing subsided: Ross became much more approachable, though still acting aloof towards Rachel, and Chandler brooded less, though still distant towards Monica. Inevitably, Joey kept trying to start things with one or other of them, especially Griselda, but they consistently put him off, seeming to prefer Chandler and Ross, to his evident bemusement.

Overall, they found New York in general much safer than parts of Pavis, although they sometimes had to scare off thuggish types, and once they saw some action. They were walking down the street early one evening when they heard a shout, and turned to see a young punk running frantically towards them, clutching a bag which he had obviously stolen. 'Stop him!' Griselda yelled, and, moving with almost supernatural speed, she intercepted and tripped him as he swerved to avoid Hilda, who faced him unwaveringly. He landed so hard that all the breath was knocked out of him, and before he could move Hilda was on his back, and Griselda in front of his face with her knifepoint an inch from his nose. 

'Don't even think about moving,' she said, 'or you might wind up with two noses. Now let the bag go.'

Staring cross-eyed at the knife, the punk did so. The bag's owner came panting up, full of gratitude. Hilda handed her the bag. 'You wanna press charges?' she said, in her best attempt at a New York accent.

'Oh no, no,' said the woman. 'I don't have time to appear in court. You handle it, officers.' Plainly she thought they were undercover cops.

'Okay,' said Hilda, as the woman went off, 'So what are we gonna do with this piecea shit, Grizzie?'

'You get off him first,' Griselda said, 'and remember what I said about moving, punk.'

When Hilda had removed herself, Griselda said, 'Count it your lucky day that we _aren't_ cops, asshole. Now when I get up, I want to see you running. Just so you know, I can throw this just as well as I can handle it.' She backed away and rose. Hesitantly, the punk rose too, backed away, then whirled and ran off. As Griselda vanished her knife, a large man approached.

'Very neat,' he said, displaying a cop's badge. 'Martial arts stuff, right?' He winked at her. 'That kind of thing,' said Griselda, smiling back.

'You live here?' he went on.

'We're visiting friends in the neighbourhood,' said Griselda.

'Okay,' he said. 'Just keep a low profile,' and he sauntered off.

'Nicest cop I've ever dealt with,' said Griselda to Hilda as they walked away.

That night, feeling too stimulated after various activities to go to sleep easily, they lay in their blankets on the floor near each other, discussing the complications of their friends' love lives and whether they could do anything to help. Suddenly Griselda's sharp ears picked up a noise that sounded very like a sob.

'Did you hear that?' she muttered to Hilda.

'Hear what?' asked Hilda.

Griselda hushed her, and listened intently. 'I think I can hear crying,' she said finally, 'but I can't tell which one it is. Let's go and listen at their doors.'

They rose from their blankets and tiptoed to the different doors. After listening a moment, they looked at each other, and each pointed at the door by which she was standing. Griselda beckoned to Hilda. 'They're _both_ crying?' she hissed. Hilda nodded.

'Well,' said Griselda. 'This is where we earn our keep. They have been very good to us; we must try to comfort and help them.' She raised her eyebrows at Hilda, who refused to bother with a nighty, though she was wearing her loincloth. 'You can't go in like that; she'll get the wrong idea.'

'Maybe she won't think it's the wrong idea,' said Hilda, grinning broadly.

'Hilda, I'm saying this is not a good idea,' said Griselda firmly.

'You had your fun with Rachel in Pavis,' said Hilda obstinately. 'Why shouldn't I see if Monica might be interested? It might cheer her up.'

'Hilda, I'm serious,' said Griselda quellingly. 'It's clear she wants Chandler badly, and as for Rachel, whatever she may have done with Monica, or me, in the past, she wants Ross now. I would be at best an unwanted distraction if I tried to start anything, and so would you be for Monica. Your job is to find out what went wrong between her and Chandler.'

Looking a little sulky, Hilda put on her shirt. 'Will this do?' she said. Griselda nodded. 

Hilda opened Monica's door: in the gloom she could make her out, huddled on the bed. 'Monica, why are you crying?' she said, crossing to the bed quickly to forestall any attempt by Monica to tell her to go away. She put a hand on Monica's head and stroked her hair gently. 'I hate to think of you being unhappy.'

Monica turned over and looked up, her eyes full of tears. 'There's nothing you can do: this is between me and Chandler.'

'Tell me about it,' said Hilda. 'Perhaps we can help.'

'It all started when he called me the great-granddaughter of Mr. Clean – it's from an old Bob Dylan song,' she explained when Hilda looked blank. 'I thought he was funning, but he wasn't. He began shouting about how obsessive I was, and controlling, and demanding …' Her voice trailed off.

'There was more than that, wasn't there?' said Hilda gently. 'After all, to judge by what we hear, he and the others have been saying those things in a jokey way for years, but it didn't stop him loving you.'

Monica nodded, looking more and more unhappy. 'He … he said I was just using him for my pleasure, he was just a fill-in when other options weren't available, I didn't really love him at all …' She broke down and sobbed. 'How could he believe that of me?'

Hilda hugged her and patted her back. 'There, there,' she said. 'Try not to dwell on it. You need your sleep.' She ran a hand over her cheek, wiping away tears. 'Could I help you relax, maybe?' She traced Monica's lips with a finger.

Monica's eyes widened and she gave a little gasp. Feeling daring, Hilda leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the lips. At first Monica responded; then she pulled back.

'Hilda,' she said, swallowing. 'This can't go anywhere. It's not you I really want.'

'I know,' said Hilda. 'You want Chandler. Don't worry, I'm not in love with you – but I _would_ like to make you feel better. In my world, we take our chances where we can.'

Monica smiled slightly. 'A sensible attitude, especially for adventurers. Well, never let it be said that I turned down a good offer.'

Eagerly Hilda lifted off the shirt, then untied her loincloth. She put her hands on Monica's nighty and looked at her questioningly. Monica's smiled broadened. 'Go ahead,' she said, with a chuckle in her throat. 'Make my night.'

Once Hilda had gone in, Griselda returned to Rachel's door and listened again. At first she could hear nothing, but suddenly she picked up a soft wailing sound. Decisively, she opened the door.

'You're crying again,' she said, going over to the bed. 'You were crying when we arrived, and I forgot to ask you why in all the excitement. Can you tell me?'

Rachel switched on her bedside light. Her face was all blotched with tears. 'You heard me? What about Hilda?'

Griselda's lips twitched. 'She's trying to comfort Monica. You're not the only one who's crying.'

Rachel looked sadder than ever. 'We are a pair, aren't we?'

'Love affairs here seem easier in some ways than in my home - you have the freedom to love where you will - but harder in others,' said Griselda. 'But I'm not here to talk about that. I think you need to talk about your situation with someone who is not Ross's sister. It's Ross you want, isn't it?'

'Ross!' Rachel gave a great sigh. 'Oh yes, it's Ross I want, even when I think it isn't. He's free now, but he's not picking up on any signals I give him. Griselda, if you could get me Ross, I'd do anything, _anything_.' She reached out a hand and ran it down Griselda's arm.

'No need for that,' said Griselda, almost fiercely. 'I don't know if I can 'get' you Ross, but Hilda and I are agreed on what we think is wrong with him.'

Rachel sat up in excitement. 'Oh, do you really know?' she said, 'Tell me, please!'

Griselda sighed. 'You're not going to like it. We believe he knows about you and Monica, maybe about you and Phoebe too. My guess is that some time when they were quarrelling - what you call fighting - Emily let it out. You can see how it would affect him, after Carol.'

Rachel looked stricken. 'Oh _God_!' she said softly. 'You're absolutely right. That makes so much sense, and it's just the kind of thing Emily would do.'

'It's the kind of thing lots of people would do,' said Griselda a bit sharply. 'Strike to hurt, because you have been hurt so badly yourself. Have you never done that?'

Rachel looked down. 'Yes, I have,' she said in a low voice. 'I've done it to Ross. Oh God, Griselda, what are we to do?'

'I've been thinking about that,' said Griselda. 'I think the best idea would be for me to talk with him.' She grinned at Rachel's look of alarm. 'Don't worry, I wouldn't try to bully him – at least, not much. That would not work very well. But I have a few things to say about love and such, which I have been studying on since our night together. I never expected to fall for a woman, after all. It made me ¼ reassess what I thought about love.'

'If you would do that, it would be so great,' said Rachel fervently. 'It would be so much better coming from outside the group.' She looked at Griselda with real warmth in her eyes. 'You look pretty in that nighty, Griselda, but you'd look even prettier out of it.'

'But … you said, it's Ross you want,' Griselda protested.

'I know what I said,' Rachel intervened, looking at her tenderly. 'But the way I now see it is this: you guys have been sent here to help us, just as I was sent to help you, and whether it works or not, I may never see you again. So I would like my happy memories to be as recent as possible.' Slowly, giving Griselda every chance to object, she lifted her nighty over her head. 'You're even more beautiful than I remembered,' she said a little huskily, then moved herself out of the bedclothes. 'Now you can undress me.'

There were tears in Griselda's eyes as she bent forward. She felt the truth of what Rachel had said: when this ended, they might, probably would, never see each other again.

'Don't cry,' said Rachel. 'We have both got something out of this. Let us remember it that way.'

'You're right,' said Griselda, gently lifting Rachel's top over her head and once again feeling almost awestruck at the sight of her beauty. 'Let's give ourselves something to remember.'

Much later, Hilda and Griselda emerged from the bedrooms almost simultaneously. They could hardly see each other's expressions in the dark, but as they fumbled towards their blankets Griselda said quietly, 'Asleep?'

'Sleeping very soundly,' said Hilda in a satisfied tone, then, sounding rather guilty, 'Griselda, I …'

Griselda chuckled. 'Don't worry; so did I, though it was Rachel's idea. It went well?' 

'Yes, it went well,' breathed Hilda. She stretched luxuriously.

'Which is good,' said Griselda, 'because you realise, there must be no more of this. They must focus on getting their men back. When that's happened, or looks likely, Rachel has guessed that we'll go back to Pavis and will probably never return, and I think she's right.'

'It will have been worth it,' said Hilda, not sounding a bit down. 'These are memories to last the rest of our lives.'

'Well,' said Griselda, 'we must start making a plan. Did you get any idea why Chandler and Monica have quarrelled?'

'Yes,' said Hilda. 'Here's what she said …'


	3. Chapter 3

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Chapter 3

'Wake up, sleepyheads,' said Monica cheerfully as she entered the kitchen area and began getting breakfast things out with what seemed an unnecessary amount of noise.

Hilda groaned. 'Oh gods, it's mother Monica again. Where do you get your energy from?'

Monica leaned down and pinched her cheek. 'Why, from you, of course, sweetie. I slept very well, thanks to you.'

Hilda sat up and yawned. 'Monica, Griselda has already told Rachel this: we think we know the reason why Chandler was so angry with you. Ross has found out about you and Rachel, and we think he must have told Chandler.'

Monica stared at Griselda with her mouth open. 'They _know_?'

'We're pretty sure,' said Griselda, taking a seat at the table. 'It fits in with some of the language that you said Chandler used, and the way Ross got all angry about our being here, and all sorts of things I've noticed.'

'But … but it's been over for months,' said Monica. 'Why have they only started acting like this now?'

'Because Ross only found out recently,' said Hilda. 'We think Emily must have let it slip when they were quarrelling really badly.'

Monica sat down heavily. 'Yeah, I can see that happening. Oh God, this is terrible. Is there anything we can do?'

'We have a plan,' said Griselda. 'We want to get Ross and Chandler on their own and talk some sense into them. I think the best way of doing that is to have you and Rachel have some real bust-up with them. You know, you get them to say things that you can act really upset about – that shouldn't be too hard, with those two. Then you run off into your rooms, and we move in, all sympathetic, and split them off. I already have Chandler interested.'

'I did notice,' said Monica a bit sharply. 'Well, I hope this goes better than some of our plans in the past.'

'Griselda's plans always work,' said Hilda proudly. 'Back in Pavis they say she's the out-planningest doll in all of Dragon Pass.'

Griselda frowned, though it was evident that she was really quite pleased. 'I've come unstuck once or twice,' she said, 'but that was because of unforeseen developments, as government guys like to say when they screw up.'

'What's going on?' said Rachel, shuffling into the room yawning.

'Griselda has a plan that may get us our men back,' said Monica.

When the plan had been outlined to her, Rachel clapped her hands. 'Ooh, I'd love to do that,' she said. 'They've put us through enough heartache.'

'Well, just be careful what you say,' said Griselda. 'They mustn't get _too_ pissed off. Now I think about it, it may be best if you don't carry on too much, just run off in tears – that'll make them feel resentful, because they don't understand why, but also guilty.'

'Right,' said Monica and Rachel in a knowing way.

At that point, Phoebe came in. 'Hi,' she said, and then, as she took them in all seated round the table, 'What is this, a witches' coven?'

'Sure,' said Monica. 'So park your broomstick and get ready to take part in Griselda's plan.'

Phoebe's eyes sparkled. 'Ooh, I'm always up for plans. This is something to do with the guys, isn't it? Fill me in quick before they come in.'

'Forget it, dude,' said Joey. 'Griselda may look really hot, but take it from me, she's _cold_.'

'She keeps giving me looks,' protested Chandler, 'and she touches me now and then.'

'She's just funning with you, 'said Joey firmly. 'Now, c'mon. I'm hungry.'

'You go ahead,' said Chandler. 'I'm not going in there.'

'Aw, man, how long are you gonna keep this up?' said Joey. 'You and Monica were great together. You gonna throw all that away? How serious can the problem be?'

'I can't explain to you, Joe,' said Chandler. 'There are some things you are better off not knowing.'

Joey looked at him unhappily. Then his face lit up; he had evidently had an idea. 'How you gonna even try your luck with Griselda if you stay in here?' he said triumphantly.

Chandler looked at him in pretended amazement. 'Joey, you have actually made sense for once. Okay, lead on, my friend.'

When they entered Monica and Rachel's apartment everyone else was there. Most had finished their breakfast already and were sitting on the couch or chairs. Griselda turned and winked at Chandler, then said to Hilda, 'Okay, pay up. I _told_ you they wouldn't miss, even this late.' Grumbling, Hilda began feeling around in her pouch.

'You _bet_ on whether we'd come to breakfast?' said Joey.

'Sure,' said Griselda, 'on the basis of your previous form. Of course, Hilda was the only one unwise enough to take the bet. The others know you too well.'

'We certainly do,' said Monica sharply. 'Say, Hilda and Griselda, do you have any creatures in your world that are always hungry, it seems like, but never have any food of their own and are always going after what is someone else's?'

Chandler paused in the middle of pouring himself some cereal. 'You've never complained before,' he said mildly.

'Ah, the stone man speaks,' said Monica bitterly. 'And about what? Why, his right to go on eating my food, when he won't even give me the time of day!' She swiped at her eyes fiercely.

'Take it easy, Mon,' said Ross. 'He's right: you said nothing before, even after you broke up.'

'_We_ broke up?' cried Monica, her voice shaking. '_He_ broke up with _me_!' and she began to cry. Immediately Rachel jumped to her feet and hugged her.

'Ross, how could you?' she said fiercely. 'Taking Chandler's side against your sister!'

Ross flushed, and his face took on an obstinate look. 'All I'm saying is …'

Monica wailed and ran to her room. 'Oh, you never give up, do you?' said Rachel, in a sudden rage. 'You can't _bear_ to lose an argument, whatever it's about. I suppose next you'll be telling me again, we were on a break!'

Ross's face set. 'Throwing that in my face after all this time – Rachel, that's _unkind_.'

Rachel froze, her eyes fixed on him. 'You …' she said falteringly, in her about-to-cry voice, '_you_ … are telling_ me_ … after the way _you_'ve been behaving … _I'm_ unkind?' Her hand over her mouth, she turned and ran to her room too.

'_Well_', said Phoebe, getting to her feet and glaring impartially at the men. 'I've seen some displays of jerkishness in my time - Joey, I sometimes wonder why you associate with these _bastards_!' She stormed off to Monica's room.

There was an uncomfortable silence after she'd slammed the door. Finally Chandler looked at Griselda and said, 'Sorry about the bad scene.'

'Never mind,' she said, coming over to the table and patting his shoulder. 'These things happen. But I'll tell you, Chandler: some of us can control our tempers, and not go over the top at every little thing.' She smiled at him. 'Some of us … might even go on a date if we were asked nicely.'

Chandler gave her his crinkly-eyed smile. 'Griselda, would you like to go on a date?'

'Sure,' she said, smiling back. 'But we can't leave Hilda out. Say, Ross, you wanna make a foursome with us?'

Hilda leaned forward and made eye contact with Ross. 'How about it, handsome?' she said. 'Just an evening out.'

'Well, ah,' said Ross uncertainly. He glanced at Rachel's door for a moment.

'Oh, come on!' she said, grabbing his hand. 'I can tell you, I've had my eye on you: I can appreciate what others maybe can't. And besides, one thing Griselda and I haven't experienced is a real American date.'

'All right!' said Ross decisively. 'You're on!'

Throughout these exchanges Joey had been looking from one to the other with his mouth open, except when he was taking a bit of his sandwich. 'Hey!' he said indignantly. 'What gives? You've never taken up _my_ offers of a date. You really prefer those two to _me_?'

Hilda and Griselda looked at him with identical expressions, which showed sympathy, some humour and just a trace of contempt. 'Oh, I don't think I'd feel safe with you,' said Hilda. 'You seem to have some strange power over women: they _always_ go to bed with you, and I'm not sure I want that.'

'Yes,' said Griselda. 'Who wants to be just one of an endless lineup, after all?'

Apparently quite unable to speak, from a combination of outrage and a large mouthful of sandwich, Joey stormed out.

'And _that_ will do my fine Joey no harm,' said Griselda in a very satisfied voice. She turned to the other two. 'Okay, boys, why don't you stop by this evening? I assume you have to do _some_ work today.'

'Omigod!' said Chandler, leaping to his feet. 'Yeah, sure … about six?'

They all agreed, and Chandler and Ross hurried out. In the ensuing silence, Hilda and Griselda looked at each other with broadening smiles, then burst into laughter. The bedroom doors flew open, and the others rushed out, giggling madly.

'Guys, you were all _brilliant_!' said Phoebe, hugging them indiscriminately, one after the other. 'You ought to form a theatre company, and I can be your manager!'


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

'That was an _excellent_ meal,' said Griselda, leaning back in her chair and beaming at Ross and Chandler. 'Pizza is fine, but that was the real thing.' Hilda agreed enthusiastically, and both Ross and Chandler sat up a little straighter and looked rather pleased with themselves.

'So,' said Griselda, drawing it out. 'What now, boys?'

'Well, ah,' said Ross, a bit uncertainly, 'maybe you would like to come back to my place for coffee?' He was looking directly at Hilda.

'Good idea,' said Griselda. 'I've never seen your place, Ross. Maybe we could drop by –' she glanced at Chandler with a sly smile – 'just for a while.'

Plainly this was not what Ross had intended, but he agreed politely enough. The men paid the check and they all set off for Ross's apartment. It was a fine evening, and there seemed no need to hurry. Just as they were passing Central Perk, out came Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey. Ross, who had Hilda on his arm, seemed to stiffen, and Chandler's face took on a strained expression as he tried to look nonchalant. Monica and Rachel gasped, then stomped past with their heads turned away. Joey also looked embarrassed; only Phoebe grinned and said 'Hi,' in a natural way. Ross and Chandler replied guardedly, Griselda and Hilda warmly. Being closest to Phoebe, Griselda was also able to give her a large wink without being seen by the men.

'Um – won't this cause trouble for you when you get back?' said Ross in a worried voice.

'Don't worry about it,' said Griselda confidently. 'We can handle it. After all, it _is_ just a date, isn't it?'

Ross gave a hollow laugh. 'Well, if you can handle those two when they're in a bad mood, you'll be doing better than Chandler and I.'

'You just have to know what to say,' said Hilda. 'Of course, it's probably easier for us. It's not like we're in love with them or anything.'

Chandler snorted. 'Neither are we.'

'No?' said Hilda. 'Well, anyway, you have been. That must make it more difficult, with all those memories of happier times surfacing whenever you see them.' 

Chandler's face twitched. Griselda laughed. 'No looking back, though, eh Chandler?' she said cheerfully, punching him lightly on the shoulder. 'Put all that behind you. Plenty more cows in the herd.' Chandler turned his face, but Hilda thought she detected a wince.

Once they were inside Ross's apartment, Griselda and Hilda wandered around, exclaiming over this and that, while Ross made coffee and Chandler sat in a chair and stared into space, not looking very happy. When Ross brought the coffee to the table, Griselda took a seat between him and the door, while Hilda was similarly placed by Chandler.

'Okay, boys,' said Griselda. 'Time for a little talk.' The tone of her voice brought Chandler's head snapping round. The manner that she had assumed all evening, and to some extent throughout her stay, was gone. The Griselda who had survived dozens of tight corners and dangerous encounters was with them, playing idly with her knife.

'What – what _is_ this?' stammered Ross.

She smiled at him. 'It's all right; this is not a shakedown. I just want to talk. You see, I'm very fond of Monica and Rachel, and I'd like to see them happy, and since they can only be happy if they are hooked up with you guys again, seems like, I aim to try to make that happen.'

'Well, you can talk, but we don't have to listen – at least, I don't,' said Chandler, starting to rise. Hilda pushed him back in his chair. 'Oh, but you do,' she said softly. 'Believe me, it will do you so much good.' She grinned at him and tapped her teeth with the dagger that had appeared in her hand.

Chandler swallowed. 'You wouldn't hurt us.'

Griselda balanced her knife on the one finger and looked at him. 'Can you be _absolutely_ sure of that?'

Ross couldn't see the look she gave Chandler, but it seemed to pin him in his chair. 'You can't _force_ us to take up with Rachel and Monica again,' he protested.

Griselda turned to him. 'Of course not. I simply want you to listen to me. I've thought a lot about this love business, and I would like to give you the benefit of my thoughts, which I hope will make you see things in a different light.'

'It will take a lot to argue away what they did,' Ross growled.

Griselda gave a derisive laugh. 'Hark at him! I suppose it's understandable in you, after Carol, but you have got this whole thing out of proportion, and you have infected Chandler with your bitterness. Why are you so hung up about this thing? Which, I would point out, was over even before you and Monica got together, Chandler.'

'How do we know that?' said Chandler darkly.

Griselda began to laugh, joined after a moment by Hilda. 'We're staying there, we're _sleeping_ there, you _dummy_,' Griselda spluttered. 'Don't you think we'd know?' Her laugh stopped suddenly, she stiffened, and her expression changed from apparently genuine amusement to equally genuine-seeming fury. 'Do you think I'm lying, maybe?' Her gaze flicked to Ross. 'You got a view on this too?'

Ross pushed his chair backwards as if trying to get away from her. 'No no, your word is good enough for me,' he stammered.

'I'm sorry,' said Chandler in a terrified-sounding voice. 'I didn't think.'

'_Right_,' said Griselda, relaxing. 'Of course, I _could_ be trying to scare you into believing me – better men than you have been scared when I put on my look – but honestly, I'm not. I swear, nothing has been happening between them, and I think it's been that way for a long time.'

'Which is surprising, when your behaviour is giving them every excuse for it,' Hilda put in.

'But why go with each other?' burst out Ross in apparent anguish. 'Why not go to men?'

'Which would you prefer,' said Griselda, pointing her knife at him, 'that Rachel turn to Paolo or Monica for comfort?'

Ross hesitated, then said, 'Well, Monica, if that were the only choice.'

'Which would you prefer, that she have a little affair with Monica, or start something with Mark?' said Griselda.

Ross was silent for longer, then said, 'Monica, I guess.'

'Why?' she said, leaning forward intently.

'It … it wouldn't seem so serious, would it?' Ross stammered. 'I mean, it would hardly lead to a serious relationship.'

'You, Chandler,' said Griselda, turning the knife round to him, 'would you rather that Monica took up with Richard again, or that she had a little affair with Rachel?'

Chandler gulped. 'I wouldn't want her going back to Richard,' he said. 'That _was_ serious.'

'You see how it is,' said Griselda triumphantly. 'When you start thinking of them with this _person_ or that _person_, it changes things.You can be jealous of another man, but you can't really be jealous of Monica or Rachel. If they'd gone outside the family, as it were, to other women, _then_ you might have a point. But no, what happened, as I see it, was that here are two people who are very close; for a while, when they were both unhappy and feeling at a low point in their lives, they got closer. It broke up because it wasn't what either of them really wanted. What does it matter that they did things with each other? It was all in love, and I doubt if it involved anything that you haven't done with them.'

Her fierceness seemed to stun the men into silence. Then Hilda spoke. 'You know, I think all of this stems from some deep-down feeling that you don't deserve them. You have to have the confidence that you do, that they genuinely did love you and want you back. Because they are so attractive, part of the time you think of them as perfect women, far beyond you. But, as you recognise the rest of the time, they have their flaws. Monica is obsessive about cleanliness and has a strong tendency to be bossy and competitive. Rachel is rather lazy and not a great brain – she's never likely to share your scholarly interests, Ross. But if you were ready to love them in spite of their faults, be sure they feel the same about you. As they say in my world too, nobody's perfect.'

When she'd finished, the men looked much brighter. They glanced at each other rather sheepishly; then Chandler spoke. 'Okay, I want Monica back; what should I do? But I'll say this: I don't want to have to crawl.'

'Don't worry,' said Griselda. 'It's all allowed for in the plan. I'm not about to let them think they can take you back purely on their terms; they'll get their talking-to as well.'

'Wait a minute,' said Ross. 'This was part of a _plan_? Were they involved in the planning, by any chance?'

Griselda smiled at him. 'You are a true scholar, Ross; you pay attention to details, and very little gets past you. Okay, I admit it, this was planned with them to some extent, but' - she held up a hand to ward off Ross's outburst – 'they couldn't have put on that show half so well if they hadn't meant it on some level. You _have_ hurt them deeply. But as I just said, they'll get their talking-to as well, because we certainly don't think they're entirely blameless. In fact, you'll all have to change a bit if this is going to work.'

Ross looked interested. 'What are you going to say to Rachel?'

'Ah ah ah,' said Griselda, wagging a finger at him. 'That's my secret, apart from one thing, which I might as well say now because it affects you as much as her. You are both going to have to put the whole thing about your first breakup behind you, once and for all. No more attempts at justifying your behaviour, on either side, and especially not from you. This is one argument you are going to have to lose. Better to admit that you were drunk and miserable and did something stupid that you bitterly regret.'

'Okay,' said Ross, 'I'm willing to try. In fact, if you can ensure that Rachel will never again throw Chloe in my face when she's pissed with me, I'll be a very happy man.'

'I doubt she would do that, if you were truly together again,' said Hilda.

'So, what now?' said Chandler.

'I have no doubt they are expecting us to bring you in roped and tied,' said Griselda, 'but that's not the way this is supposed to happen. You are going to have to keep away for now, while I talk to them. Find something to do, other than getting drunk, which men are too fond of doing to ease tension. Remember, this may take a while: it's often very hard to get a woman to give up what she considers is a justified grievance.'

'Let's go to Joey's and play foosball,' said Chandler.

'An excellent idea,' said Griselda. 'You'll be right across the hall when we want you. Just don't follow us too closely.'

When Griselda and Hilda walked into the apartment again, they found Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe sitting around the table. All looked up with hope in their eyes, which turned to disappointment when they saw that Chandler and Ross did not appear.

'It didn't work, did it?' said Monica, her face crumpling. 'Oh God,' she wailed loudly, 'Chandler doesn't love me any more,' and she began crying at full volume. Rachel, Phoebe and Hilda all rushed to her, but they had hardly begun trying to comfort and reassure her when the door flew open. 'Leave her to me!' cried Chandler, and more or less pushing the others aside he knelt down beside Monica and put his arms round her. 'Of course I love you,' he said. 'I've been a total fool, and a jerk, and I don't deserve you, but if you'll take me back I'll try never to do it again.'

She turned to him, smiling through her tears. 'Really? You mean all that?'

For answer, Chandler took her face between his hands and kissed her passionately. She responded so enthusiastically that the others felt they were invading their privacy and moved away.

'Hi,' said a voice from the doorway. There stood Ross, looking very hangdog. 'Chandler couldn't keep away,' he said, 'and neither could I. Rachel,' he looked directly at her, 'what can I say except that I'm sorry for everything? Sorry for causing our breakup by being so crazy jealous, sorry for being mean when I knew you wanted to get back together,' – his voice dropped – 'sorry for not trusting you.'

He held out his hands to her. Slowly she came forward to take them, her eyes fixed on his. It looked as if they were just about to kiss when Griselda snapped 'Hold it!'

Everyone looked at her. She did not seem pleased. 'This is just what I was afraid of,' she said. 'You men barge in here and spoil all my careful planning. Still, all is not lost. Rachel, isn't there anything _you_ want to say you're sorry for?'

Rachel held her gaze for a moment, then looked at Ross. 'Yes,' she said. 'I'm sorry that I said what I did in the first place, and especially that I didn't go after you to explain.'

'Anything else?' said Griselda.

Rachel swallowed. 'I'm sorry I wrote that _stupid_ letter trying to make you take all the blame for the breakup.'

'And?' prompted Griselda. 'You remember something else you did a bit later?'

Rachel hung her head. 'I'm sorry I said what I did when we broke up the second time, although' - she looked at Griselda defiantly – 'he didn't have to say what he did, either.'

'Fair enough,' said Griselda. '_Now_ you may kiss.' Which they did, to everyone else's satisfaction.

'Should I say sorry to Chandler for things too?' said Monica in a small voice. Everyone turned to her. Griselda smiled. 'It's good that you offered without being pushed. Maybe this is a better way to do it, after all. Well, can you think of anything?'

Monica sat back from Chandler, who looked at her expectantly. 'I know that I've irritated him by being too controlling sometimes,' she began hesitantly, 'and I know that my obsession with cleanliness bothers him more than he'll admit.'

'It's not so bad,' Chandler said. 'At least you're not Janice.'

'Chandler, _don't_,' said Griselda in a deadly voice. 'You really _must_ try to control your urge to make jokes every time things get emotionally tense. This time I _mean_ it.'

Chandler seemed to shrivel under her glare, causing Monica to hug him and look at Griselda angrily. 'He can't help it,' she said, 'with the childhood he had.' 

'Excuses!' said Griselda sharply. 'Lots of people don't have ideal childhoods. Look at Rachel, and Phoebe even more; but they don't have this joking thing. Chandler, I don't mean you should never make jokes; you're good at it. But if you keep doing it in emotional situations you could drive a wedge between you and Monica. When they're being serious, women like a serious response. Now, Monica, anything else you want to get off your chest?' She fixed a very dark look on Chandler as she said this. He nodded and kept his mouth firmly shut.

'I – I shouldn't have put you off after the wedding,' said Monica to Chandler. 'I knew then that you were in love with me, but I was afraid to take the step. I told myself it was better not to risk what had happened to Ross and Rachel, better just to stay friends. And I'm sorry if I made you feel bad this morning.' She looked appealingly at Griselda. 'I don't have to say any more, do I? I mean, about – '

'No,' cut in Griselda quickly, 'I think that ought to do. Now you've _all_ admitted that you have regrets about the past or other things to be sorry for, and you don't need to keep harking back to it. Let it all go, and start again here.' Her lips twitched as she remembered something from a weird show that she and Hilda had caught while channel-flipping, in which the actors spoke with quite different accents from New Yorkers. 'This parrot is _dead_.'

Taken by surprise, the others laughed. 'Boy,' said Phoebe. 'You should stay here and set up as a shrink, Griselda. You're much better than that guy Roger I used to date.' 

'What's a shrink?' said Griselda, suddenly at a loss. 

Hilda giggled. 'You haven't been reading their magazines. It's properly called a psychiatrist' - she stumbled over the pronunciation - 'someone who has studied the way people's minds work and tries to explain people to themselves. As for this Roger, Phoebe, I've heard about him, and I've got to say, anyone who seems to think his job is to make people feel _worse_ about themselves, and appears to enjoy doing it, is _never_ going to make a good psychiatrist.'

The rest all looked at her in amazement. 'Of _course_,' said Monica. 'That's what he was doing.'

'And, Ross,' Hilda continued, 'you're a scholar. You should _never_ have let him get away with putting forward all kinds of crazy ideas and then, when you raised perfectly reasonable objections, say he had no answer. Oh, if only I'd been there: I'd have taken him _apart_.'

Phoebe clapped her hands. 'Maybe you should both be shrinks, and I'll be your secretary.'

'Yes, and why the hell did you let him get away with suggesting that being a chef is a failure in life?' said Griselda fiercely. 'Monica's a lot more use to the world than he will ever be. _I_ would have carved him into cutlets, if he'd tried to get stuff like that past _me_.' She flipped up her knife to demonstrate.

'Well, it's all a long time ago now,' said Ross in a pacifying way. 'No permanent harm done.' He smiled at Griselda and Hilda, looking very much the old Ross as he stood with an arm around Rachel. 'You've done a wonderful thing for us, guys. There's no way we can thank you enough.'

Griselda actually seemed embarrassed. She blushed, looked at the floor and mumbled something. Hilda was less abashed; she smiled back and said, 'We did it because we love you, and you have been very good to us.' Then she clutched her head. 'Oh, not so soon!' Griselda threw up her hands, crying, 'Just one more night, _please_.' The others joined in calling for one more night, and came forward to hug Griselda and Hilda as if to hold them in New York by force. The strange feeling built in Griselda and Hilda's heads for a little longer, then died away. They relaxed, and smiled at their friends.

'Evidently, whatever-it-is is feeling friendly,' said Griselda. 'Okay, let's make the most of whatever time we have left. First off, I challenge all comers to foosball.'

'Challenge taken,' said Monica, grinning widely. 'I'm gonna beat your ass this time.'

'In your dreams,' said Griselda, grinning back, and they all trooped over to the other apartment, laughing and chattering, as happy as they'd ever been.


End file.
